Leigh Benson

Marital Status

Married (Michelle Benson), Two Sons
(I may be small, but my wife assures me they're mine.)

Education

Harvard Medical School
I saw a Nova episode once, I know what it's like for them

ITT Medical Institute Graduated 1987
Drove by it one day

Received a self appointed Masters Degree in do it yourself brain surgery.
Well, I don't remember not getting it.

Arizona State University
I know what state it's in.

Moon Valley Highschool Graduated 1984
Barely

Skill set

• Getting other people to do PC and Macintosh Hardware Installation/Maintenance
• Have complete working knowledge of the color of Cisco routers
• Watching Network Hardware Installation/Maintenance (Apple Talk,Ethernet, TCP/IP)
• PC/Macintosh Network Administration (What could be hard about that.)
• Macintosh Operating System Configuration (I know how to use a mouse)
• Mooching Technical Support From Friends
• I know how to pronounce linux, hell I lie all the time, all you need to do is add a nux to the end.
• Getting Other People to Program for Me
• Claiming Credit for Projects that Other People Have Done.
• Masturbation (All positions, all ways)
• I know that Sun Sparcs are cool, but haven't been able to mooch one from someone yet.
• Expert with the legacy BOB operating system from my Microsoft Division.
• Know where all the blood plasma centers are in Phoenix and can sell more than once per week.
• Speaking to my children at a level they can understand. (Comes easy for me)

Work Experience:

Private Contractor. 1992- Present

Position: President, CEO, iCEO, SysAdmin, Secretary, and Office Chick
I only cross-dress on weekends

Responsible for development of plans and methods to extract money from people without actually having to work.

Key Accomplishments:

• Was able to "work" for more than ten companies in two years and get paid lots while only looking like I was getting something done.
• Was told by a customer that I was more valuable than the dirt on their carpet!
• Got my free T1 (Which I mooched from an ISP) disconnected for spamming the usenet, running a porn site (beastiallity), telneting into a computer on a cable modem and using its news server to spam the usenet, while spamming the usenet from a free earthlink account.
• Was able to sucessfully move out of two houses at 3am, thereby avoiding that nasty rent thing.
• Only got sued once. (I move before the rest of the people can catch up to me)

I am experienced at screwing around with computers while diddling with the people I am fucking over. I can make medium to large corporations bend over while greasing them up. I can even fuck the people who think they are my friends! Who says that having a small penis prevents you from accomplishing your goals!

Joe's Copy Shop. 1984- 1992

Position: Mascott

Responsible for the organization and implematation of various systems including:

Capible of replacing a toner cartridge on a printer in under 30 minutes, while still keeping all my fingers. You wouldn't believe how powerfull one of those lasers are!

Developed an immunity to high voltage from repeaditally touching corona wires in laser printers. The doctor was wrong too! My wife still had two children!

The setup and design of a shelf for handling video tape jackets used in the storage of VHS video cassettes. I drove all the way to Home Depot by myself!

I also successfully completed a project involving driving 30 miles to the only open pool store in town and purchasing one chlorine tablet. My boss said it was urgent because we were right about to get to the best part of the Christmas party and he wanted to make sure the pool was not going to grow a mutant strain of alge and eat the hotel.

GraphX Computer Consulting 1992- present

Position: Owner

Responsible for systems installation, configuration, administration and training in the following areas:

• Barbie Dolls
• Barney Toys
• Pokemon Junk
• Toilets
• Sinks
• Linux Boxes (With "some" help...)
• Alarm Clock Radios

Leigh Benson Printing 1988-1992

Position: Owner

Performed all print shop functions for producing product for customers. I didn't have any customers, but I ran it until someone else took away all my gear because they thought I owed them some money. The nerve!

Operated and sometimes cleaned various Printing equipment including:

• AB Dick 360 offset presses
• Vertical Meele Letter Press
• 3M offset Platemaker
• all typesetting, a lot of billing and various consulting done.

Made a few ink splotches that looked like butterflies.

Business Consulting Clients:

Commonwealth Ltd.

I introduced the Vice President for Systems Development to the Internet and eventually mooched the following services for Commonwealth Ltd.:

• Installation, Configuration and training.
• Design and maintenance of html forms for an Inter-generational UN conference being partially sponsored by Commonwealth Ltd.
• Provided systems integration services involving recruiting and managing technicians to service Commonwealth's various Internet Projects.

Managed to integrage Macintosh and IBM systems with the help of a large cannon and a drill press.

Entertainment Prevention Services

I provided training for employees on their LAN as well as setup and installation services. It's not hard. They are on drugs most of the time. I'm glad to say I was able to bring the entire company up to my level of expertise in no time at all!

Donihk, Inc.

I integrated a number of Macs into an existing Novell network by putting them in the same room.

As part of this project, I also installed a remote communications system for remote printing services (Cordless phone with the number to Kinkos written on it in black magic marker.)

OnRamp Inc.

I setup and maintained OnRamp's World Wide Web Server and provided customer support for the company. I only annoyed some of the customers, and I assure you, the company's going out of business was all part of my master plan.

SorelyLost Global positioning systems

I read a book (the first and only one I have ever read, it had neat pictures) about how to install and maintain a LAN that includes both Macintosh and PC workstations. I really liked the pictures, but I cried when the dog died.

Xing Technology, Inc.

I overheard someone consulting on a project to design a system to transmit product photos and movies (and the occasional porno) to various remote sales offices and customers around the world, while I was waiting for their bathroom key.

Microsoft

Set up of MSN to become an internet service provider. (All by myself, I had no other help at all. Really, I did all of it. I swear!) I also am currently the systems operator for all their internet services.
At least my home page says I am, and telling someone is nine tenths of what it takes to do something.

Male Inadequacy Support Group

Installed complete network of over 152,344,324 high-powered TI-99/4a workstations, 2,547,654 high volume printers and 27,455,658 vacuum pumps for, well, you know, but I'm NOT embarrased about it.

Further references provided upon request.